Words That Hurt and Mad Skills

When I was a little kid, I used to think that words said in anger were a true reflection of the thoughts and feelings of the monster doing the screaming. The insults stuck with me. It wasn’t until adulthood that I changed that narrative. I learned that sometimes human beings reach a boiling point, and toxic hot lava comes shooting out of their mouth without them having any control over the content of their poisonous rant. Worse still, often they have no memory of their verbal diarrhea.

With therapy, my meditation, self-compassion practice and time, I was eventually able to forgive my mom for all the horrendous things she said to me when she had one of her episodes. I know she loved me to pieces and respected me. I still can’t erase the one doozey though – “if you were still a practicing attorney, I could respect you!” shouted at me as I gathered up my infant son and got the hell away from her. Luckily she had 25 years after that fateful day to illustrate to me that that statement wasn’t true. I was also fortunate to be married to a man that wouldn’t let me become estranged from my parents. I have a scar there, but it’s more like a faded memory.

We carry these scars into our marriages and our parenting. I bent over backwards (still do) to never let anger out in an uncontrolled way at my kids. The problem with stuffing anger deeper though, is that it becomes bigger and darker. What we resist persists. What we can feel we can heal. It was much healthier for my mom to pop off and let out her rage, then keeping it in. It was unfortunate for her target, but she got the poison out of her body. In my case, since I am so uncomfortable with anger from being traumatized by anger as a child, unexpressed anger can cause depression if I am not vigilant in my self-compassion practice.

I faithfully practice R.A.I.N., a wonderful practice popularized by Tara Brach. I recognize I’m having anger, labeling the emotion and locating it in my body. The mere act of labeling the emotion, helps me to take a step back from it. I then allow the feeling to be there while investigating its nature with a gentle curiosity. Then I nourish myself with soothing touch; my hands on my heart, and positive self-talk; like calling myself sweetheart and acknowledging that what happened was hard.

RECOGNIZE
ALLOW
INVESTIGATE
NOURISH

If I notice a constriction I might try the soften-soothe-allow meditation from the Mindful Self-Compassion curriculum, or I might just imagine softening around the space and relaxing into the space. I might send healing energy or light into the space. When my mind is occupied sending healing thoughts to my body, it cannot be in a recursive loop of negative thoughts. My brain can’t be spinning out a story line of anger and hurt and at the same time giving myself love. And when I start to feel a positive mental state, like the love is working, I let it fill me up for a breath or two so that I take advantage of positive neuroplasticity and re-wire my brain for more happiness and resilience.

With practice, you get to a point where you flip into these methods without thinking. One day you will realize you are less reactive because you are automatically using your practice. It’s funny that I always say I have mad skills! I never thought about the fact that they are MAD skills, as in skills to manage anger!

Life is a wild ride. May you develop mad skills to help you hang on!

Please share your thoughts. . .
By | 2017-04-05T15:58:02+00:00 April 6th, 2017|Mindful Methods|2 Comments

About the Author:

Julie Potiker
Julie Potiker is an attorney who began a serious education and investigation of mindfulness after graduating from Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction at the UCSD Center for Mindfulness. She is a graduate of the Mindful Self-Compassion course and was trained to teach this course by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, the developers of the curriculum. She has completed over a dozen courses in this field, and has participated in meditation retreats from various disciplines – Judaic to Tibetan. She has had a consistent meditation practice for many years, and has an uncanny ability to transmit this information to a broad range of people – skeptics included! B.G.S. University of Michigan; J.D. George Washington University

2 Comments

  1. Susan Rosenberg April 6, 2017 at 9:38 am - Reply

    Love you and I am proud of all you do!

    • Julie
      Julie April 23, 2017 at 10:45 am - Reply

      Thank you so much! I didn’t see this comment until just now!

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